Sunday, November 2, 2008

woosh

It is now just a matter of time. I have been on a permanent vacation that will soon end. I look forward to the following months.. of rushing to catch trains.. to some sad place that will take up half of my waking hours... and on fridays I will collect my sad little paycheck of which the government has kept almost half my earnings... only to find three decades later that there is nothing left in social security for me to survive. So for now I will enjoy the last bits of freedom. I will sleep in.. stay up late.. cuddle in bed with my cat and my man. Enjoy the falling leaves and chill night air.

Until I find a new job.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

To Have Not

And so it begins.. reality is sinking.. the economy is down the toilet and I can't seem to find a job!
Although I have become very comfortable being unemployed and have had tons of adventures I fear that the end is near. At this point I should just settle for a job at the local fast food joint.. at least i will get free burgers and biggie fries.

Kisses

Thursday, September 11, 2008

End of Sumer Blues!

So the end has come. The days are now shorter and the nights are colder. And although I can safely say that I have had a wonderful summer it still saddens me to have it end. What I have to look forward to know is freezing winds and frozen tears!

This summer brought me.. joy, fun, drinks, kisses and an incredible tan. I guess I know know what it must be like to be "A Lady Who Lunches".. not a care in the world. Oh sure there have been plenty of times that I have wondered how I was going to pay my rent.. or how I was going to avoid getting my phone turned off.. but in the end.. it was worth it. Now I must buckle down and find a big boy job and bundle up for the forth coming winter.

Have fun and remember that sunny days will return again!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Garbage!

So as a gay of a certain age I was very excited when I heard the they where remaking the teen drama classic.. 90210! So we waited for weeks for the premiere.. and planned a fun viewing party night.. when the ball finally dropped.. sigh. One of the worst shows on TV.. worse than: Reba, Life According to Jim and Tool Time!

Don't bother I say. Bring me teen dramas with Bulimia, Coke Addictions, Teen Pregnancy, Closeted Gays, Rich Jews, Back Stabbing BFFS..

The Boys of Summer

Kisses followed by Kisses..

that is all I shall write.

Friday, August 22, 2008

For those kids with no manners!

Lena can always teach you something new..

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Poor

So as many of you know.. I have been unemployed since March. In an effort to better myself I have been trying to focus on starting my own multi line showroom. As of now I only represent one tiny tshirt line that has brought in zero $$ in profit! Ha! And I think I know why..
For the last few months I have been Boozing like an old french whore! There has been no stopping me.. or my friends for that matter. My poor liver is on it's last stitch and my wallet is empty. Although, I must admit that this has been one of the most enjoyable summers ever! Spending almost everyday sunbathing and drinking is very uplifting!

K.I.T.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Love, what is it good for?

I was chatting with a pal yesterday and we came across the topic of love, as one often does on a boring sunday aftrenoon. And we came to one simple conclusion.. Love, what is it good for? Nothing! Sure it's nice to have someone to share interest, bills and bodily fluids with. But then what? What else can be gained by such enterprises? I can't get pregnat.. or get married. So what's the purpose? Why do we waste away our days and nights fighting and complaining and comparing battle scars?
I think I should start a list..
Pros:
$
Kisses

Cons:
$
Punches

Hmm.. this is harder than I thought.


I suppose we all really just want the same thing..
Free room and board on Fire Island!

Don't look at me!

So as far as spring goes I am over it! It seems that NYC is having some kind of weird wet spring. I was hoping for sunny days, flowers blossoming on trees.. shorts and sandals! Instead we have cold rain and windy nights.. I might as well be living in Oregon. Oh how gross! I say bring me the sun, the hot sun, where one can tan and sweat and tan some more. Bring me the days of being hot, lazy, with excessive drinking and free bar-b-ques!

Our day will come...

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Married Life


Sometimes I wonder if I will ever marry. I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who don't believe in such old fashioned ideals. But I have always considered myself old fashioned and have always pictured myself in a white dress walking down the alter to the tune of Married with Children.
Now it seems that I'm not the only GAY under 30 who feels the same way. This Sunday in the Times there was an article on young gays and marriage. There might still be hope.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/27/magazine/27young-t.html?ex=1367035200&en=05663d4954222c20&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ring Ring Ring

A few years ago I was introduced to the amazingness that is Raffaella Carra! She's a huge star in parts of Europe and South America.. my favorite part of her videos is her use of scantily clad male dancers.. sooooo hot! Here's one of my favorites involving a huge red phone.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

PinUps


Check out my buddy Christopher's magazine.. Pinups.

He is offering a limited edition collectors issue......


Ebay Listing of the Week Part 2


Ok, so I found yet another amazing ebay item! If you are a fan of Grey Gardens you will want this. Note that the cans are not included! ha ha ha ha!



GREY GARDENS
FOOD CAN LABLES


LABLES ARE PRINTED FROM ORIGINAL ARTWORK AND GRAPHICS ON HEAVYWEIGHT GLOSS STOCK

SET OF 2 INCLUDES:

'LITTLE EDIE'S LIVER PATE'
( aprox. 1 1/2" H)
FITS STANDARD SIZE TUNA OR PET FOOD CAN

AND

'BIG EDIE'S SWEET CORN'
( aprox. 4" H)

WILL FIT STANDARD SIZE VEGETABLE CAN

(CANS NOT INCLUDED)

A GREAT COLLECTABLE

http://cgi.ebay.com/GREY-GARDENS-FOOD-CAN-LABLE-SET_W0QQitemZ270228999305QQihZ017QQcategoryZ20158QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Ebay Listing of the Week


Ok, so I know a lot of you guys, the gays, are kinda obsessed with bear culture. And everybody that knows me knows that I AM NOT into the bear thing. It gets worse because I am constantly compared to, associated with, referred to as a BEAR/CUB..
today on Ebay I found this gem that I know you bear lovers will enjoy, so bid now...


Bear Tracks 4 Gay Bear Musicians From Around The World
Current price:$7.99
Label: Woobie Bear Music Released Jan 2007

Gay Bear Musicians From Around the wold on this 4th Bear Tracks release.


End time:Apr-18-08 10:32:19 PDT

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=320238855412

So long poverty!


and hello unemployment!
Sometimes it does pay to quit your job. Or at least to quit your job and then have your jerk bosses ask you to leave without finishing your two weeks. In the last month and a half I have been on 15 job interviews.. I have dressed up, dressed down, been told that I was under qualified, over qualified... to no avail. But at least we can always count on Uncle Sam.

Cheers and happy job hunting!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Cheer Up Charlie

Some times when I'm blue I like to find gross over weight girls and make them do funny things..

such as:



and:



enjoy!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Ebay Listing of the Week


Speaking of Peg Legs.. I found this amazing deal on Ebay today.. check it out:




Description

--
We believe these to be well over 100 years old.
Made completely of wood.
Two Primitive and Handmade Peg Legs and CrutchCurrent price:$135.00

End time:Apr-09-08 10:36:41

Peg Leg and Morphine


When I lived in SF I did lots of horrible things. I attended very scandalous after hour parties and partook on very seedy drug binges. But this is not new to you. One particularly seedy after party took place deep in the Mission. I had been performing at a local drag bar and during closing time was forced to wait outside with the rest of the drunk patrons for what is known as a "sidewalk sale". A bunch of underfed hipsters were looking to keep the party going. I ended up sharing a cab with them to an unknown location. At the party were a number of kooky characters.. trannies, hipsters, junkies, trannie hipsters.. and so on. There was this one gentleman.. much older than the rest.. Vietnam vet, with a prosthetic leg and an eye patch I believe. He had a giant plastic advil container.. full of Morphine. Let's say that he was the hit pf the party. He started passing around pills to all the needy hipsters and spilling a few. I being the selfish junkie that I was picked up the pills that he had spilled on the dirty carpet and swallowed about five of them. Next thing I know I was being kicked by the guy who actually lived in the apartment and the sun was out. It was 3pm on a hot sunny Mission day. I was still in full makeup and had left an impression on the carpet.. like a mirror, sleeping dragqueen! I remember not being able to move and feeling very nauseous. My friends were also sprawled out on the floor.. everybody fully dressed. Sadly I had passed out during the height of the party and nobody had bothered to wake me or move me. I wonder how many people had stepped on me, or taken naughty pictures of my drugged out body... in full Heather Locklier drag!!! Feathered wig and all! Besides feeling like I could throw up at any second we were being forced to leave and go out into the harsh daylight. And I in runny drag makeup had to face the world looking like a common street whore. I managed to quickly wash my face and steal a pair of boxers and snuck out. Walking the streets of the dirty dirty mission in mid day wearing only boxers and carrying last nights skirt and wig was quite humbling. I didn't mind the curious stares from all the Mexicans that walked the streets. I didn't mind the fact that at any second I could step on a dirty needle or broken beer bottle. At this point it could not get worse. I still remember that one legged man with the unlimited supply of Morphine and wish that I had scored his phone number. Can you imagine if I had? I probably wouldn't be sitting here now typing this.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Craigslist Post of the Week


So last summer there was an incident on Staten Island involving a former "commune" member shooting her former leader. It was all over the news and quite funny. It turns out that the "commune" or cult, owns and runs a trendy thrift shop chain on Staten Island. So me and my husband took a trip out there to check things out. We found creepy cultish zombies with happy retail smiles lurking in every corner of these shops. We did manage to snag some great deals on some awesome LPs. Ok.. so today I am checking out Craigslist.. as I often do when I am bored and came across this amazing job opportunity. If you don't apply I will!!!


This is the ad:


Used Clothing: Unique Live/Work Opportunity In Staten Island (15 Min Walk to Ferry)
Reply to: mailto:job-629539066@craigslist.org?subject=Used%20Clothing:%20Unique%20Live/Work%20Opportunity%20In%20Staten%20Island%20%20(15%20Min%20Walk%20to%20Ferry)Date: 2008-04-03, 10:28PM EDTAre you interested in second hand and vintage clothing? Shifting styles, creating costumes and designing displays? Are you interested in a business and a living situation that thinks about reducing waste by recycling, restoring and sharing resources? Taking into account the earth’s limited resources, we attempt to reduce our negative impact on the environment, by re-using and recycling as well as by living cooperatively. We are an intentional community that has been in existence for 30 years. We have three stores and everyone who works in the stores lives together and shares in the stores’ profits. We are about 80 people of all ages and ethnicities living together in eight houses in a tree-filled, working-class neighborhood in Staten Island, a 15 minute walk from the ferry. We have beautiful gardens, an exercise room, a small pool, TV, public computers and spaces for all to share. We are committed to learning to live cooperatively, and to working out problems as they come up. We are a group of people, who enjoy sharing resources and living as lightly on the earth as an urban life allows. Our vintage clothing store is looking for someone to take care of customers and merchandise. We are looking for someone with an ability to relate to all types of people and interest in second-hand clothing, sales and display. We have a job in one of our stores and a room in one of our houses, if you think this is an opportunity for you! If you are interested in the position, email Jenny with some information about your background, your skills, your current situation and why a live/work community interests you. * DO NOT JUST SEND A RESUME - NO RESPONSE WILL BE SENT TO RESUME ONLY SUBMISSIONS*


And this is a link to the original NY Times Article about the shooting:

Thursday, April 3, 2008

My Hero of the Week!


Ok guys.. so I'm sure you have all heard of Thomas, the trans guy that is now six months pregnant.. well he was on Oprah today and incase you missed it the whole program is available online. It is beyond amazing!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Craigslist Post of the Week


Today in Brooklyn you can own this amazing ride!


Free Hovercraft
Reply to: see belowDate: 2008-04-01, 1:36PM EDTI built this hovercraft with my son last summer, it works unbelievably well. Unfortuantly I am moving and will no longer be able to store this marvel of my enginering prowess. I have recieved alot of interest in this so act fast, I will be giving the hovercraft to the first person who can pick it up. Today would be prefered. I will be away from my email for most of the day, call me for details at 917-710-3321 ask for me my name is Moses

The Best Ebay Item Ever


I found this today.. somebody should bid on it and place it above their mantle!


Orig Nude male painting JERRY SEINFIELD portrait gay inCurrent price:$24.99 End time:Apr-03-08 18:45:00

Friday, March 28, 2008

Charity


Never trust where your money goes when you donate to charity.. perfect example in this pic. Greedy drunks!

Fair Warning

Hungry?


A few months ago I was working at my old job and I realized that I was not earning enough money to eat. I was literally earning about a dollar and six cents an hour. So I had the bright idea of applying for food stamps. Just so you know, the gov doesn't really use paper stamps, they have modernized and now hand out chase debit cards! My friends all laughed at me but I thought, "I'm a tax payer in dire need of government assistance". So I rode my bike down to the local Foodstamp building in the bad part of town. When I arrived I noticed something very strange. The waiting room was full of baggy pants and over sized tshirts.. understandably. The shock was the number of fancy electronic gadgets that these people were fiddling with. It seemed that every teenage mother had an Iphone, an Ipod, a sidekick and a Blackberry. I don't even own an Ipod! How was it that these people could afford all these gadgets and were here waiting in line for government aid to purchase fruit loops and topramon? I was down to $1.07 in my bank account, I worked full time, ate in, didn't splurge on electronics and could barely afford my phone bill. I suddenly felt very poor and somewhat white trashish. I mean I was the only person there of "non-color". It was weird and I felt very intimidated. The wait was of course very long, it was a government building after all. And after 6 hours and not one number closer to my spot at the window I gave up. I figured that with out a crack addicted baby to use as collateral the chances of me qualifying for food stamps were pretty slim. So I got up and rode my bike to McDonalds and bought one dollar menu cheese burger with the $1.07 I had in my bank account. Maybe next time. When I'm really hungry again.

Craigslist Post of the Week

I found this gem today.. amazing!


Seeking to Feminize Fat (Flat) Feet

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-622198729@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-28, 5:38PM EDT


Seeking chub, thick or fat guys into having me worship their feet and/or paint their toenails and transform their feet into sexy women's feet. I am looking for my face to be smothered by thick, flat, fat soles while I j/o. I am also very into fat BBW CD/TV who wear sexy heels and form fitting skin tight outfits (spandex leggings etc). Please respond if you are serious about this and can meet/host TONIGHT.




Location: Nassau
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Unemployed


For the last three weeks I have been unemployed. It has been very strange not having to rush to a terrible job in the morning. Not having to smile at a boss that knows less about her own business as I do. Not having to say "no problem" when you really want to stab them in the eye socket with a pencil. Now I spend my days trolling the craigslist job board and watching Weeds on Netflix. I barely shower some days. I order in. I spend all my money without leaving the house. The money that I am not earning. Unemployed.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Marry me?

Spending Money


When I was in college my mom and I tried to make amends. After many years of running away she finally took an interest in my life. There were times growing up that she would disappear for months at a time, surfacing in small hick towns with a new boyfriend and a new trailer. It was hard keeping track of her nomadic ways. It was even harder depending on her as a parent. But once college came I made sure that she would be there for me. It saved our relationship. I remember once I received one of her famous care packages. They were usually full of unnecessary objects. Broken coffee mugs, zip lock bags full or safety pins. Weird romance novels were my favorite. My mom has always been kinda the cool mom. The kind that would smoke pot in fornt of her ten year old son then ride off into the sunset on the back of a Harley. I kinda hated her for that. Being the cool Mom sucked for the kid. The kid always had to make coffee for her, and buy cigs for her, and basically be her parent. That's what sucked about having a cool mom. Although, when I was in college she did send me the best care packages. A few times I did find tiny zip locks full of bad stuff. Meth was an easy sell. She always included a note.. In case you need some extra spending money! Like I would really sell free drugs. No way, me and my friends would snort that shit in one night. Be up for ten! This is were the true love for my mother came about. I admired her even more. Just imagine the kind of strength it takes to be so bold as to mail crystal meth to your son. Amazing. She's kinda famous.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Secrets

For years now I have been secretly addicted to Craigslist. I like to read all the insane postings on the M for M section. SOme of the things I run across are beyond weird and some are just plain gross. Once in a while I run across an insanly funny post. Like this one bellow posted today.



What I am Making for Breakfast Tomorrow and Sunday - 35 (Upper East Side)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-613994823@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-21, 4:14PM EDT


On the weekends, I like to make myself a nice breakfast. For me, breakfast means eggs. I try to watch my cholesterol so I usually have egg white omelettes or use Egg Beaters, which taste just like whole eggs. I will probably make some scrambled Egg Beaters (I like their garden vegetable or southwestern variety) with some melted American cheese and lots of black pepper. I will have it with rye toast and, if I can find them at the supermarket after work today, breakfast sausage made with mostly turkey - low fat but delicious. I also am quite fond of turkey bacon but only if it is Oscar Meyer, Louis Rich or Butterball - avoid Jenni-O (it is horrible).

The perfect accompaniment to this would be a nice, wet, sloppy blow job. If you want a nice breakfast, write me - we suck each other, then eat.

Injans

Shiv


As I often did after a hard night of boozing with the gays I would drive down to 16th and Mission to score some Tar. It was always very late and all the bummies would be safely nestled in the cardboard shacks and trash bag tents. I would walk up to the Mexican trannie bar and ask around trying to score. But this one night I got bamboozled. It was a known fact never to ask a black crack head for Tar. They tended to sell you gum wrapped in plastic or shoe polish in tiny balloons. But this particular night I was desperate, and very drunk. Very. I remember wearing a puffy vest, not the tacky kind from Old Navy, but a cute vintage ski vest. It was a chilly SF night and there were few dealers out. When it became evident that I wasn’t having any luck I approached the crack head. “I gots what you need baby” he assured me. I handed him a twenty and he spit out a tiny balloon. Score I thought. As a precaution all junkies immediately place the balloon in their mouth and bite down on the slimy rubber to check the authenticity. Rats! I was scammed. The sweetness of Bubbleyum alerted me. I quickly ran back and confronted the crack head scamster. Bad move. He quickly produce a shiv and stabbed me on my side. Shit. Oh wait, I’m wearing a puffy vest. Soft armour. Have you ever seen a hungry junkie? They can do some desperate shit. It might have been the booze or my sheer lack of class. But I instantly reached for the closest item to attack him with, a wire government trash can. I smashed it over the poor guys head and took my twenty bucks back. And like a true lady I thanked him and went on my way. I did eventually find some real Heroin and when I returned to the car my friends gasped. I had torn my shirt, had stuffing coming out of my vest and had a nice swollen shiner. But I had my tar!

Dessert?


Once I was invited to a dessert party. I had never been to a dessert party and was very excited at the opportunity to make some amazing costumes. I devoted a whole day at Michael's shopping for spongy foam and plastic strawberries. After hours of painful hot gluing I surfaced with the most amazing hats you have ever seen. We were going to be the hit of the party. My friend and I wore pink and red. I wore a two foot tall pink cake, with white icing and strawberries. He wore a strawberry shortcake bonnet. We looked like total edible fags. I loved it. When we arrived at the party I was shocked to find that not one person had gone in costume. The host polite informed us they when she invited us to her dessert party she wanted us to bring a dessert, not come dressed as one. It was a very sad event. All the adults avoided us and only the nine year old daughter of the host talked to us. Desserts? Maybe I’m not refined enough.

Bus Ride


Once in SF I was ridding the 16 Mission bus at a very late hour. I was very drunk from partying with my gays and had to force myself to stay awake for the hour long ride in the sketchiest part of town. The bus at that hour was full of sordid characters. Bummies, trannies, hookers and drunk migrant workers. But they always kept to them selves. At one point a couple of crack heads got on. I do not exaggerate when I say crack heads. Two black girls wearing pajamas and over sized tshirts and unfinished corn rows. One tall lanky guy held a pillow and the other a fat bull of a woman held a bottle of Jack Daniels. I think they might have not been wearing any shoes either. Crack heads always lose their shoes! When the absent minded bus driver finally took notice of these ladies he immediately stopped the bus. For some strange reason he had an issue with these fine upstanding commuters. He polite asked them to discard the bottle of JD. That’s when things got ugly. Normally I try to stay in the shadows and I am usually the only fag on these late night bus rides. And crack heads love picking on fags. But I was drunk. Very drunk. The crack heads of course refused to part with their beloved JD and the bus was not going anywhere. As we waited some of the commuters became impatient, including me. And when drunks get impatient they get loud. The trannies started to yell at the crack heads, the bummies started to yell at the crack heads. Even some of the other crack heads chimed in. Then I joined in on the fun. “Get off the fucking bus so we can all go home!” Oh oh. Why did I do that, I though to myself. As soon as those words left my mouth I knew that was in for. Gay voices carry. Drunk Gay voices carry even louder. As I tried to make myself smaller by slinking in my seat the meaner of the two crack heads came after me. Stomping down the isle of the bus she came right to me. “What did you say faggot?” She actually said it. She, the barefoot crack head holding an open bottle of Jack Daniels was calling me a Faggot! “Shut the fuck up before I kick your Faggot ass!” she yelled. Holy shit I thought, this is gonna get ugly. And of course no one else on the bus was going to stand up to her, not the bus driver, not the bummies and not even my sisters.. the trannies. Before I had time to react I got socked in the face. Now, you might assume that because I am a fag I wont defend myself.. right? Wrong. I got all kinds of nasty. It suddenly turned into an Indian Jones movie. I was Indy, she was some voodoo witch doctor and I was going to get her fat ass off the bus! I grabbed on the the metal strap hanger and hoisted myself up, kicked my legs out and knocked her down on her ass. It was amazing. With the booze flowing through my veins I was unstoppable. I jumped to my feet and pushed her towards the back exit. As punches flew at me I quickly pushed her fat and smelly ass through the rubber doors and onto the street. I could hear cheers from the sordid bus riders. I managed to run back into the bus only to find out that we were not going anywhere. It turned out that the bus driver had called the police when I got punched instead of physically helping me. We now had to wait for them to arrive. What a waste of effort I though. A few minutes later I saw the flashing lights. The bus driver escorted me out to the curb and then quickly drove off. To my surprise the cops were very cordial. They insisted that we find the crack head that punched me. See in SF they have hate crime laws that kinda protect people like me. Sometimes. This is something that the obviously lezzie cop informed me of. I sat in the back seat as we drove around the block to find my barefoot friend. When we finally found her a few minutes later hiding behind some bushes the cops shinned a light on her and asked me, “is that the fat bitch that punched you?” Yes, yes, hate crime hate crime I shouted. My lezzie copper took this event to heart and was not o nice to the poor crack head. It was amazing seeing her get carted off to the joint. I felt like Milderd Pierce. I even got a ride home, shaving about forty minutes off my commute. Thank god for the SFPD and their many lezzie coppers.

Eyes Closed

There was a point in my life when I would close my eyes and wish that time would fast forward. Now it seems like there is never enough hours in the day. Like I am running away from something, and I am losing the race. Judy Garland use to say that she was always afraid that they would finally catch her. Who they were she never knew. But I can totally understand that feeling. Im not as depressed at it might seem. I swear.